Ray of Light.

I was talking to one of my best friends called R over Skype on Valentine's day which is also her Birthday. and I was supposed to meet up with her. And I am planning to come out to her.

But it was changed to later today. Talking to her I found out that she's got a boyfriend. Hahaha, I am really happy for her and one of the reasons why I am meeting up with her is to crap about her boyfriend.

R and I met in the college, but later transferred school but we still remained friends. Actually, it was after she transferred school that I knew her.

Anyway, to me, she has always been a different kind of girl. From the moment I laid eyes on her and talked to her, I started to like her. If I weren't gay, she would be my ideal wife, haha. which I think created a problem for me, or rather create an opportunity for ME to create a problem for myself.

I told everyone that I liked her, because that time I thought I really liked her. To be honest, I thought she would be the one that saved from me being gay, that she is the one. And I really thought so. She has great personalities, a weird sense of humour, which I like, a pretty elegant girl on the outside, and a strong soul inside. Like I said, I would probably go for her if I werent gay. Although sometimes I connect to her emotionally, and I thought she is really beautiful and all that, the real physical attraction just wasnt there. (if that makes any sense?)

But I tried and tried, I tried to know her more, tried to see if I can get the sparks going, I even wanted to get her on a date. I would sometimes picture me and her growing old together and in love and everything. I even tried to "confess" to her that I like her that I wanna be her boyfriend and stuff, but I never did it. I just couldn't do it.
On the other hand. I knew there was something wrong. Maybe because a lot of times, we just enjoyed each other as friends, no more than that. I didnt get overly enthusiastic about going out with her like "omg I am finally going out with her". She did not make me fall in love with her or anything. Maybe because I dont wanna lie to her or to myself. Maybe because I was just a coward. Maybe because she just doesnt share the love of food as much as I do. Maybe because at the back of my mind I knew that I am gay. Whatever the reason is, now looking back I am glad I didn't. If she rejected, it would become really awkward between the two of us. Worse, if she accepted, she and I would be living in a lie now I guess, and I dont think we would be happy together.

So when I found out that R got a boyfriend, that initial shock, surprisingly or not, it came with relief and not with sadness or disappointment. And this is what I find really surprising for myself: that I am actually truly happy for her.

If you had asked me before whether had I liked her or not, my mask would tell you yes; my inner answer would be I dunno. That is until now.

If you ask me the same question now, my answer is that I liked the idea of her, the idea of her with the straight version of me. But no, I had never liked her as a lover or a crush.

Still, I am so glad that her and I are still the best of friends after all this while. Let's see if what happened after I came out to her.

And for that, I am going to tell her everything. No more lies or masks. Although I understand she would probably hate me after that.

To R, if you are reading this, that means I have already come out to you and told you everything. I just hope that you would find it in your heart to forgive me.