4th

well, family problems, every family has it, I guess some have it better some have it worse.

I can say that my family problem ranges between average-below average. I have 3 elder sisters, I am the youngest son, you can say that I am the spoiled one.

Almost everything that I want in financial terms, my parents would let me have it, but of course my mum would let me go through the guilt process first.

Starting from when I started to see cracks, I started having this love-hate relationship with my family i guess. But time only makes the scale tip to the hate part more and more.

They are conservative, not entirely educated, the ladies in the family just love talking about anything, they love to gossip, yea it's fun to gossip but sometimes it just gets too much that you just wanna ask them to shut the fuck up, and there are really no role models in my family.

My dad a fucking drunk. For years now, he never quitted his drinking. And it just strained the whole family relationship with him. and the funny thing is that he loves to get him drunk before any festivals, and showed up with his big bad temper and his fucked up face. waiting to scold anyone that makes the tiniest trivial mistake.

Never apologized. Made promise that never been kept. Thinks he's the fucking boss. Way over protective. Whose dad in the world doesnt allow his son to play sports. because "you will get hurt" WAT THE FUCK. believe in male dominance. that just by using his temper he can own the world. big show off. oh yea, he drinks but he doesnt let me drink. model dad, eh?

I was a good student. I did quite good for almost every subjects except arts, yes I was a nerd. And I thought that was my job, my duty as a son to make my family proud, was my priority, as a contribution to this family.

But turns out others are not doing their jobs as well as I had hoped.

I am actually struggling here writing this post. it seems like there are no good points about my family huh. None that I can think of right now. Dont get me wrong they do love me, but do I truly love my family? I dont know I honestly dont know. I dont my family, I dont know each and everyone of them. that's probably the reason. If you ask me to tell you their good personalities, I cant really do it. I would say that they are helpful, but they can suddenly turn around to be a bitch. And my mother, still a loving and caring mother. But she's insecure, she doesnt know what is best for anyone, one thing i can say about my mother is that she's confused. e.g. she can make a decision and change it to the opposite one, and change it back again. and I got screwed up because of that. Major. and until now I still cannot forgive her entirely for that matter.

My dad, hmm, let's just say he said some very hurtful shit to me. and from that moment on, I dont talk to him about anything anymore.

Another problem I think is that we dont share what we feel or anything. Or at least I dont. Nobody has ever asked me to, and I did try to talk to my mom about what i am feeling, and she actually makes me feel worse. Since we were small, we were trained to not cry. When we got the cane over some mischiefs or anything, and we cry, we would get caned more because of that. So the stories that we usually talk about are about what have we done that day, literally what have they done. So yea, growing up and going through puberty while trying to hide my sexual preference, I dont talk to my family about anything, let alone my sexual preference.

I have thought about why I dont talk to my family members. I guess I have just given up. Living with 3 sisters was painful when you try to talk, cause I always got interrupted when I was saying something. Being the youngest, probably means that people dont really care what you think. that every decision that you make is a mistake. a lot of things I have tried to do, they never gave me any support. My singing. I loved singing. but only my mum was the one who actually cared. But to be honest, I get the feeling she cared because she likes singing herself (but she cant sing well) and she was living her dreams through mine. My dad, lol, never attended any of my singing competitions. He thinks that it's gay or sissy to be singing. And I learnt piano. My parents did not bother to buy me a new piano, instead I was forced to use a hand-me-down piano from my sister. I wouldnt mind using the piano if it wasnt out of tune. WHen i was practising, my dad would say that it's damn noisy and screamed at me. So much for the motivation eh. I wanted to go travelling backpacking to the countries that I wanna visit in the gap year of 2009. All they could say was " what if someone robbed you or kidnapped you?"

Thank you if you are still with me. I cant find the exact adjectives for them, so I used examples instead.

Yes there are instances that show they love me. Sponsoring my education, giving me things that I want. ( oh yea the things that they give are quite limited to the things that they approve of they are mostly food, or books) ( if i want more things, things that I TRULY TRULY want like travelling, a dog, a ps3, sports, wutever, they would find a fucking excuse or try to make me feel guilty to even want it).

It's just that there are a lof of stuff that they have done to me, that just goes on and on, that normally you would forgive someone for doing it, but if they keep doing it would you forgive him/her?

You might think that I am an ungrateful S.O.B. or playing victim here or whatever, but I just cant really find it in myself to love them truly. Sometimes I dont know how to react to them, so i just keep quiet, lock myself in the room, go on computer. What is wrong with me?

After reading this post, I guess you would think that what they have done are just trivial matters. There are more personal and more serious stuff that went on that I dont even wanna go into it. Like I said, writing this post, is actually suffocating. To be honest, sometimes I'd like to blame me being gay on them, like that there was no real father there to guide me, like I dont have any brothers or anything, like my parents give birth to me being gay and it's their fault. So much easier isnt it. But the good or the bad thing is is that I know better why I am gay. that it has always been there i guess, way back to when I was 5 or 6 years old.

You know why I like sleeping late. it's actually 3 am now. And I will go to bed in another 3 or 4 hours.

because I like the quiet. the silence.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LraOiHUltak