Continuation of My Past

Well, in the previous posts, you would have guessed that I had feelings for Z (DUH~!).

And I told myself, that if and only if Z is gay and likes me, then I would be gay, otherwise I would be straight. I told myself that I can choose to be straight or gay like a switch. So I continued lying to everyone, including Z that I fancy a girl (girl number 2) from another school. We talked on the internet and somewhere along the line I found out that she was in the same choir group with me back when I was 9-10. And I believed that would only make for a good story.

I put on this mask that I was straight, so that people would stop teasing me, or suspecting that I am gay. So that I can tell myself that I am not gay.

Out of the whole thing, I guessed the best thing that came out of this is that Z and I are finally talking and he would start tracking my progress with the girl and that would give me advice. And so I led myself on trying ways that Z had suggested me to do to get the girl.

The problem was that I did not have any feelings for the girl.

And so after that year ends, I lost touch with the girl and we never spoke to each other again.

Z even invited me to his birthday party, with his small group of friends (some of which are the friends that teased me like shit). So during that party, I still remembered I tried talking to the girls in the party to prove to everyone there how straight I am.

To be honest, writing all the stuff down now, I am feeling disgusted with how I behaved last time, acting like a hypocrite lying to people's faces like there's nothing wrong, and most of all lying to myself. And I am still doing that to all of my friends.
Not telling people and staying in the closet is one thing,
Lying to people in the face saying that I am straight and trying to lead them on is just...

I wouldnt blame my friend for leaving me or getting pissed off at me after they know the truth.

Anyway, I digressed.

Anyway, Z being friend with me was the best thing in my life. Looking back, all he was interested in was have I got the girl and stuff, not really into what is going on with my life. While I idolised him like by best friend, my brother and potentially you know what. At school, sometimes he would be quite friendly to me, but sometimes when his friends are near, he would see me as invisible.

And I guess I got tired of him treating me like shit, and wanted to focus on my studies. So I talked to him less often, and some of my friends or random students that I have never talked to before would call me gay or something, whenever they noticed me passing by. At that time, I just became numb to all those comments. I would just laugh it off like when someone commented on me being gay or asks me if I am gay, I would just fake a smile and just walk away or answered them by asking back the same thing " are you gay?" The weird thing is that it kinda worked and they just shut up after that. (Well maybe asking that had sorta confirmed their suspicion)

So the final year in high school, I did not have any fake crush on any girls, and my friendship with Z slowly faded away, especially when he went for an exchange program in another country for a year.

Anyway, by that time, I had "learned" to talk about girls with my guy friends, but never interested in it. All as the cover for me trying to be straight.

It's quite easy to be honest, just say wow her leg is just so yummy, or her boobs are just busty and things like that, whatever.

And all of this was just high school. Like 4 years ago. And the lie wasnt finished yet, instead it just kept on building like a snowball rolling down the hill. And with the lie building fast, so was my self hatred.