Exam is near, so near next Monday.
And I had always been a nerd. I study and I study hard and I make sure I know everything.
But not for this semester. I went out at late night, I went clubbing for the first time, I went to smoke shisha/hooka, things that would make my dad kill me.
I developed my first ever offical crush on this exchange student who is just plain hot. The kind of crush where you felt hopeful at first because of the initial doubt whether is he gay, and to finally find out that he really is gay. The kind of crush where your heart just beat 10 times more when he's near. The kind of crush where you just froze when your friend introduced him to you. And the kind of crush that you absolutely need to get over with because he already has boyfriend.
Another problem, I had a fight with one of my good friends on 2nd week, and he knows that I am gay, but the fight wasnt about that, but about something petty. It got me all miserable and all, and I absolutely fucking hate it. Because I hate the fact of letting people into my life and to let him/her screw me up like that whenever there's a fight or imperfection. And the weird thing is that I had been in this situation before, where I had fights with friends that I thought was my good friend, and coincidentally all these "friends" are the sissy kind, the kind of people that annoys me.
And although me and this friend made up after the fight, suddenly just this week he suddenly decided to not talk to me because he is bored and he wants to see the reaction. What kind of friend does that? "Oh hey I am bored, let's create drama, let's screw with one of our friend's emotions to see how he reacts." And for that, I dont think our friendship could be the same as before anymore.
But one best thing from this coming out experience is that I found 2 awesome friends, girl friends especially one of them that I could just hang out and talk about hot guys all the time. It's like all my suppressed teenage lust for guys just came pouring out. Which probably explained how ridiculously wonderful my first crush sounds like. But he is hot that's the fact and it's verified.
And it does feel good to pour out your darkest secrets (not just hot guys) to a friend who has the same mindset as you. Too bad she's a girl. I think she would be my straight version of soul mate. hahaha.
But this coming out is not working out well for me completely either. I start to know that I can check out guys and think about them and that distracts me from my work and study. My progress in my study has been quite slow and it would destroy me if I get an unsatisfactory results for my upcoming exam.
Besides, there were instances where I almost spilled to others about me being gay. Blame the shisha, which gave me the high.
Anyway, one thing that bothers me the most is that coming out, at first it felt great, but it doesnt make me a better person or anything. And to be honest, I am still pretty clueless of who I am.
I am still miserable, probably caused by the fact that I am still single. and there is no one out there.
I am trying to drill into my head that you cant find love. It will come to you eventually. But is true? that it will come eventually? I am turning twenty this year, and I have not even had a real kiss. What kind of life is this?
I want to be awesome in what I do, but how? I want to work on my self confidence, but how? I want to be more independent, but how? I want to be able to look into people's eyes and tell them straight what I want and stand my ground, but how? I want to work being more well rounded, the kind of person that balances his life between hardcore work and hardcore fun, but how? I want to work on my social skills and people to respect me as a trustworthy person, but how? I want to love myself, but how?
Quote from one of the bloggers,
"Don't find love, let love find you. That's why it's called falling in love, because you don't force yourself to fall, you just fall."
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Crazy Crazy Crazy
Just watched this movie, called C.R.A.Z.Y. basically, it tells the story of a young guy who is gay and atheist or maybe bisexual or confused about his sexuality and his dysfunctional family especially his relationship with his all-macho dad and his religious and caring mother, and his brothers.
I am not gonna give away too many details here. But all I can say is that, in some ways, I can relate to him, with how he was homophobic, but having sexual desire for hot guys, and trying to rid himself of his inner gayness throughout, but expressing it subconsciously occasionally or as , I quote, subconsciously deliberate mistake. Besides his own inner struggle, he also had to deal with his father and his problematic brother. The main character Zach and his father both have the belief that being gay is wrong and that are in denial of what Zach really wants. It also talks about his faith for Christianity and his own self.
After some turns of events, only did Zach and his family finally embrace his sexuality, his faith and his own self.
The acting was good and quite funny at times. I would recommend this movie to you guys, although there isnt much graphic thing going on if you know what I mean. LOL. The protagonist is HOT though, with the punk glam look. =p
And if you could figure out what does the title mean before they reveal it at the film credit, I have to say you are quite observant.
Oh yea, it's French. which makes it so much sexier. haha.
I am not gonna give away too many details here. But all I can say is that, in some ways, I can relate to him, with how he was homophobic, but having sexual desire for hot guys, and trying to rid himself of his inner gayness throughout, but expressing it subconsciously occasionally or as , I quote, subconsciously deliberate mistake. Besides his own inner struggle, he also had to deal with his father and his problematic brother. The main character Zach and his father both have the belief that being gay is wrong and that are in denial of what Zach really wants. It also talks about his faith for Christianity and his own self.
After some turns of events, only did Zach and his family finally embrace his sexuality, his faith and his own self.
The acting was good and quite funny at times. I would recommend this movie to you guys, although there isnt much graphic thing going on if you know what I mean. LOL. The protagonist is HOT though, with the punk glam look. =p
And if you could figure out what does the title mean before they reveal it at the film credit, I have to say you are quite observant.
Oh yea, it's French. which makes it so much sexier. haha.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Fucking Perfect
I have been playing this song for A LOT of times.
and this was the first time watching the video. and I actually cried.
and this was the first time watching the video. and I actually cried.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
After I have Sex with A Guy...
I will bite their heads off.
JERSEY SHORE BITCHES!!!!
When I see this from a tumblr site called Silkbones, I just have to post this, hahahaha. and No, I am still a virgin.
People nowadays, are all about copyrights huh, where is the love people??? The global love. LOL jk.
My Best Day Ever.
Because I finally came out to someone that I know. R.
So before going out with her, a few days before I just talked to her and said I have a surprise that I wanna show her when I meet her. She even thought that I have a new tattoo or something. LOL.
Anyway, so I fetched her from her house in the afternoon-evening, (which is supposed to be early afternoon, but got delayed because the girl wanna get her hair dry) --- probably one of the reasons why I like men. hahaha. So on the way to the mall that we wanna hang out, I was just interrogating her about everything that she would tell me about her new bf. Not gonna go too much details into that. So we were just chatting everything and some crap as well. And I was anticipating and dreading at the same time what is gonna come.
So we reached the mall and we just sat down on a bench after she bought herself a yoghurt. So after we chatted for a while, I just summoned the courage inside and I asked her "do you still remember that I have a surprise for you?"
"Yea yea what is it?"
And I asked her "Do you have anything that you wanna know about me?"
"Er not really."
and that time I decided to say it. "R, I think..... I think I.... I think...." I just got stuck there. All the rehearsing that I was doing before at home, was not the same at all.
My mind was filled with dread that time, while I was shifting uneasily on the bench.
And she was like, "What????? What???"
And what I could say was "I think... I think I ...."
I literally couldnt bring myself to say it.
But finally I said it.
"I think I am gay" and the tears just came out of nowhere when I said it. I caught a glimplse of her eyes widening. I lowered my head down, looked away, trying to bury myself. And all I could hear is that "It's ok, it's alright, don't cry"
I raised my head and looked at her and she said "It's ok, there's no judgement here. I completely understand"
"It's actually ok alright. U are no different fr0m the person before you told me. In fact I am glad that you trust me enough to tell me your deepest secret."
Lol, she did ask me questions like "Are you sure" and asked me how do I know I am gay (not that I have 100% completely come to terms with it yet) and stuff, thinking that I am still going through a phase, but after a while she said " You are big boy now, you know what you want."
Now the first part is over, I told her that "There is also something else that I need to tell you." And so I just came clean to her that I tried to get her to be my girlfriend for everyone and myself to see, so that she could save me from being gay and all, and I apologized to her. At that moment, I was expecting her to flare up and told me off or something like that, but she just said it's ok.
When I heard that, relief just washed over me.
She also assured me that she would honour this trust and that she wont tell anyone, which I am really grateful of. We continued talking for 3 hours after that, about myself and her. Just pouring everything out. Everything that I had buried for this past 6 years, just finally saying it out in words how I really felt about everything, and not what the mask was saying to everyone else.
I have never felt so close and connected to her like this before. So we went for dinner after that, just playing with our iPhone, oh yea she's my iPhone buddy as well hhaha, trying to beat each other on a game until the restaurant closed and the waiter had to bring the bill for us without us requesting for it lol.
So we got onto a car and just went to another restaurant. The funny thing was that when I asked her what did she think I was gonna tell her, she told me that I would confess to her that I like her. Yea, in a certain way, she was kinda correct though. haha. Anyway, we also talked about what am I gonna do after that, whether or not to tell my family and friends, about how the society viewed gays and which guys are hot (still kinda new to me discussing hot guys with someone besides myself). Lolz, we hanged out for 9 hours just talking about almost everything. until 12 oclock midnight.
Now I am so glad that everything is out in the open, a huge weight (part of a much bigger bigger weight) has been lifted off, though not with everyone, but at least now with someone. And I couldn't ask for a better person to be the first friend that I come out to. I am so happy that I chose the right person that is so supportive and understanding of me.
And haha, and another good thing is that now she's my bitch and I am her gay boyfriend.
Lols R, if you are reading this, you are my OZZIE to my IZZIT.
It's my Best Day Ever... YET.
So before going out with her, a few days before I just talked to her and said I have a surprise that I wanna show her when I meet her. She even thought that I have a new tattoo or something. LOL.
Anyway, so I fetched her from her house in the afternoon-evening, (which is supposed to be early afternoon, but got delayed because the girl wanna get her hair dry) --- probably one of the reasons why I like men. hahaha. So on the way to the mall that we wanna hang out, I was just interrogating her about everything that she would tell me about her new bf. Not gonna go too much details into that. So we were just chatting everything and some crap as well. And I was anticipating and dreading at the same time what is gonna come.
So we reached the mall and we just sat down on a bench after she bought herself a yoghurt. So after we chatted for a while, I just summoned the courage inside and I asked her "do you still remember that I have a surprise for you?"
"Yea yea what is it?"
And I asked her "Do you have anything that you wanna know about me?"
"Er not really."
and that time I decided to say it. "R, I think..... I think I.... I think...." I just got stuck there. All the rehearsing that I was doing before at home, was not the same at all.
My mind was filled with dread that time, while I was shifting uneasily on the bench.
And she was like, "What????? What???"
And what I could say was "I think... I think I ...."
I literally couldnt bring myself to say it.
But finally I said it.
"I think I am gay" and the tears just came out of nowhere when I said it. I caught a glimplse of her eyes widening. I lowered my head down, looked away, trying to bury myself. And all I could hear is that "It's ok, it's alright, don't cry"
I raised my head and looked at her and she said "It's ok, there's no judgement here. I completely understand"
"It's actually ok alright. U are no different fr0m the person before you told me. In fact I am glad that you trust me enough to tell me your deepest secret."
Lol, she did ask me questions like "Are you sure" and asked me how do I know I am gay (not that I have 100% completely come to terms with it yet) and stuff, thinking that I am still going through a phase, but after a while she said " You are big boy now, you know what you want."
Now the first part is over, I told her that "There is also something else that I need to tell you." And so I just came clean to her that I tried to get her to be my girlfriend for everyone and myself to see, so that she could save me from being gay and all, and I apologized to her. At that moment, I was expecting her to flare up and told me off or something like that, but she just said it's ok.
When I heard that, relief just washed over me.
She also assured me that she would honour this trust and that she wont tell anyone, which I am really grateful of. We continued talking for 3 hours after that, about myself and her. Just pouring everything out. Everything that I had buried for this past 6 years, just finally saying it out in words how I really felt about everything, and not what the mask was saying to everyone else.
I have never felt so close and connected to her like this before. So we went for dinner after that, just playing with our iPhone, oh yea she's my iPhone buddy as well hhaha, trying to beat each other on a game until the restaurant closed and the waiter had to bring the bill for us without us requesting for it lol.
So we got onto a car and just went to another restaurant. The funny thing was that when I asked her what did she think I was gonna tell her, she told me that I would confess to her that I like her. Yea, in a certain way, she was kinda correct though. haha. Anyway, we also talked about what am I gonna do after that, whether or not to tell my family and friends, about how the society viewed gays and which guys are hot (still kinda new to me discussing hot guys with someone besides myself). Lolz, we hanged out for 9 hours just talking about almost everything. until 12 oclock midnight.
Now I am so glad that everything is out in the open, a huge weight (part of a much bigger bigger weight) has been lifted off, though not with everyone, but at least now with someone. And I couldn't ask for a better person to be the first friend that I come out to. I am so happy that I chose the right person that is so supportive and understanding of me.
And haha, and another good thing is that now she's my bitch and I am her gay boyfriend.
Lols R, if you are reading this, you are my OZZIE to my IZZIT.
It's my Best Day Ever... YET.
Monday, February 14, 2011
When I say I'm OK
Talking to my best friend P over the phone.
I told her about R having a boyfriend. And yes, I even lied to my best friend saying I liked R.
The point is is that, knowing that I "liked" her, he kept asking me how am I feeling about the news. and I told him I'm okay.
and he just said "You can tell me anything you know."
and I told him, haha I am okay. which I really am.
but hearing him say that just broke me. Now I am feeling utterly disgusted about myself lying to my best friend, who has always been there for me.
I dont want to picture what would happen, when he knows the truth about me.
At first, I dug a hole to cover myself. But I dug in deeper, and now I am trying to get back up.
Ray of Light.
I was talking to one of my best friends called R over Skype on Valentine's day which is also her Birthday. and I was supposed to meet up with her. And I am planning to come out to her.
But it was changed to later today. Talking to her I found out that she's got a boyfriend. Hahaha, I am really happy for her and one of the reasons why I am meeting up with her is to crap about her boyfriend.
R and I met in the college, but later transferred school but we still remained friends. Actually, it was after she transferred school that I knew her.
Anyway, to me, she has always been a different kind of girl. From the moment I laid eyes on her and talked to her, I started to like her. If I weren't gay, she would be my ideal wife, haha. which I think created a problem for me, or rather create an opportunity for ME to create a problem for myself.
I told everyone that I liked her, because that time I thought I really liked her. To be honest, I thought she would be the one that saved from me being gay, that she is the one. And I really thought so. She has great personalities, a weird sense of humour, which I like, a pretty elegant girl on the outside, and a strong soul inside. Like I said, I would probably go for her if I werent gay. Although sometimes I connect to her emotionally, and I thought she is really beautiful and all that, the real physical attraction just wasnt there. (if that makes any sense?)
But I tried and tried, I tried to know her more, tried to see if I can get the sparks going, I even wanted to get her on a date. I would sometimes picture me and her growing old together and in love and everything. I even tried to "confess" to her that I like her that I wanna be her boyfriend and stuff, but I never did it. I just couldn't do it.
On the other hand. I knew there was something wrong. Maybe because a lot of times, we just enjoyed each other as friends, no more than that. I didnt get overly enthusiastic about going out with her like "omg I am finally going out with her". She did not make me fall in love with her or anything. Maybe because I dont wanna lie to her or to myself. Maybe because I was just a coward. Maybe because she just doesnt share the love of food as much as I do. Maybe because at the back of my mind I knew that I am gay. Whatever the reason is, now looking back I am glad I didn't. If she rejected, it would become really awkward between the two of us. Worse, if she accepted, she and I would be living in a lie now I guess, and I dont think we would be happy together.
So when I found out that R got a boyfriend, that initial shock, surprisingly or not, it came with relief and not with sadness or disappointment. And this is what I find really surprising for myself: that I am actually truly happy for her.
If you had asked me before whether had I liked her or not, my mask would tell you yes; my inner answer would be I dunno. That is until now.
If you ask me the same question now, my answer is that I liked the idea of her, the idea of her with the straight version of me. But no, I had never liked her as a lover or a crush.
Still, I am so glad that her and I are still the best of friends after all this while. Let's see if what happened after I came out to her.
And for that, I am going to tell her everything. No more lies or masks. Although I understand she would probably hate me after that.
To R, if you are reading this, that means I have already come out to you and told you everything. I just hope that you would find it in your heart to forgive me.
But it was changed to later today. Talking to her I found out that she's got a boyfriend. Hahaha, I am really happy for her and one of the reasons why I am meeting up with her is to crap about her boyfriend.
R and I met in the college, but later transferred school but we still remained friends. Actually, it was after she transferred school that I knew her.
Anyway, to me, she has always been a different kind of girl. From the moment I laid eyes on her and talked to her, I started to like her. If I weren't gay, she would be my ideal wife, haha. which I think created a problem for me, or rather create an opportunity for ME to create a problem for myself.
I told everyone that I liked her, because that time I thought I really liked her. To be honest, I thought she would be the one that saved from me being gay, that she is the one. And I really thought so. She has great personalities, a weird sense of humour, which I like, a pretty elegant girl on the outside, and a strong soul inside. Like I said, I would probably go for her if I werent gay. Although sometimes I connect to her emotionally, and I thought she is really beautiful and all that, the real physical attraction just wasnt there. (if that makes any sense?)
But I tried and tried, I tried to know her more, tried to see if I can get the sparks going, I even wanted to get her on a date. I would sometimes picture me and her growing old together and in love and everything. I even tried to "confess" to her that I like her that I wanna be her boyfriend and stuff, but I never did it. I just couldn't do it.
On the other hand. I knew there was something wrong. Maybe because a lot of times, we just enjoyed each other as friends, no more than that. I didnt get overly enthusiastic about going out with her like "omg I am finally going out with her". She did not make me fall in love with her or anything. Maybe because I dont wanna lie to her or to myself. Maybe because I was just a coward. Maybe because she just doesnt share the love of food as much as I do. Maybe because at the back of my mind I knew that I am gay. Whatever the reason is, now looking back I am glad I didn't. If she rejected, it would become really awkward between the two of us. Worse, if she accepted, she and I would be living in a lie now I guess, and I dont think we would be happy together.
So when I found out that R got a boyfriend, that initial shock, surprisingly or not, it came with relief and not with sadness or disappointment. And this is what I find really surprising for myself: that I am actually truly happy for her.
If you had asked me before whether had I liked her or not, my mask would tell you yes; my inner answer would be I dunno. That is until now.
If you ask me the same question now, my answer is that I liked the idea of her, the idea of her with the straight version of me. But no, I had never liked her as a lover or a crush.
Still, I am so glad that her and I are still the best of friends after all this while. Let's see if what happened after I came out to her.
And for that, I am going to tell her everything. No more lies or masks. Although I understand she would probably hate me after that.
To R, if you are reading this, that means I have already come out to you and told you everything. I just hope that you would find it in your heart to forgive me.
Continuation of My Past
Well, in the previous posts, you would have guessed that I had feelings for Z (DUH~!).
And I told myself, that if and only if Z is gay and likes me, then I would be gay, otherwise I would be straight. I told myself that I can choose to be straight or gay like a switch. So I continued lying to everyone, including Z that I fancy a girl (girl number 2) from another school. We talked on the internet and somewhere along the line I found out that she was in the same choir group with me back when I was 9-10. And I believed that would only make for a good story.
I put on this mask that I was straight, so that people would stop teasing me, or suspecting that I am gay. So that I can tell myself that I am not gay.
Out of the whole thing, I guessed the best thing that came out of this is that Z and I are finally talking and he would start tracking my progress with the girl and that would give me advice. And so I led myself on trying ways that Z had suggested me to do to get the girl.
The problem was that I did not have any feelings for the girl.
And so after that year ends, I lost touch with the girl and we never spoke to each other again.
Z even invited me to his birthday party, with his small group of friends (some of which are the friends that teased me like shit). So during that party, I still remembered I tried talking to the girls in the party to prove to everyone there how straight I am.
To be honest, writing all the stuff down now, I am feeling disgusted with how I behaved last time, acting like a hypocrite lying to people's faces like there's nothing wrong, and most of all lying to myself. And I am still doing that to all of my friends.
Not telling people and staying in the closet is one thing,
Lying to people in the face saying that I am straight and trying to lead them on is just...
I wouldnt blame my friend for leaving me or getting pissed off at me after they know the truth.
Anyway, I digressed.
Anyway, Z being friend with me was the best thing in my life. Looking back, all he was interested in was have I got the girl and stuff, not really into what is going on with my life. While I idolised him like by best friend, my brother and potentially you know what. At school, sometimes he would be quite friendly to me, but sometimes when his friends are near, he would see me as invisible.
And I guess I got tired of him treating me like shit, and wanted to focus on my studies. So I talked to him less often, and some of my friends or random students that I have never talked to before would call me gay or something, whenever they noticed me passing by. At that time, I just became numb to all those comments. I would just laugh it off like when someone commented on me being gay or asks me if I am gay, I would just fake a smile and just walk away or answered them by asking back the same thing " are you gay?" The weird thing is that it kinda worked and they just shut up after that. (Well maybe asking that had sorta confirmed their suspicion)
So the final year in high school, I did not have any fake crush on any girls, and my friendship with Z slowly faded away, especially when he went for an exchange program in another country for a year.
Anyway, by that time, I had "learned" to talk about girls with my guy friends, but never interested in it. All as the cover for me trying to be straight.
It's quite easy to be honest, just say wow her leg is just so yummy, or her boobs are just busty and things like that, whatever.
And all of this was just high school. Like 4 years ago. And the lie wasnt finished yet, instead it just kept on building like a snowball rolling down the hill. And with the lie building fast, so was my self hatred.
And I told myself, that if and only if Z is gay and likes me, then I would be gay, otherwise I would be straight. I told myself that I can choose to be straight or gay like a switch. So I continued lying to everyone, including Z that I fancy a girl (girl number 2) from another school. We talked on the internet and somewhere along the line I found out that she was in the same choir group with me back when I was 9-10. And I believed that would only make for a good story.
I put on this mask that I was straight, so that people would stop teasing me, or suspecting that I am gay. So that I can tell myself that I am not gay.
Out of the whole thing, I guessed the best thing that came out of this is that Z and I are finally talking and he would start tracking my progress with the girl and that would give me advice. And so I led myself on trying ways that Z had suggested me to do to get the girl.
The problem was that I did not have any feelings for the girl.
And so after that year ends, I lost touch with the girl and we never spoke to each other again.
Z even invited me to his birthday party, with his small group of friends (some of which are the friends that teased me like shit). So during that party, I still remembered I tried talking to the girls in the party to prove to everyone there how straight I am.
To be honest, writing all the stuff down now, I am feeling disgusted with how I behaved last time, acting like a hypocrite lying to people's faces like there's nothing wrong, and most of all lying to myself. And I am still doing that to all of my friends.
Not telling people and staying in the closet is one thing,
Lying to people in the face saying that I am straight and trying to lead them on is just...
I wouldnt blame my friend for leaving me or getting pissed off at me after they know the truth.
Anyway, I digressed.
Anyway, Z being friend with me was the best thing in my life. Looking back, all he was interested in was have I got the girl and stuff, not really into what is going on with my life. While I idolised him like by best friend, my brother and potentially you know what. At school, sometimes he would be quite friendly to me, but sometimes when his friends are near, he would see me as invisible.
And I guess I got tired of him treating me like shit, and wanted to focus on my studies. So I talked to him less often, and some of my friends or random students that I have never talked to before would call me gay or something, whenever they noticed me passing by. At that time, I just became numb to all those comments. I would just laugh it off like when someone commented on me being gay or asks me if I am gay, I would just fake a smile and just walk away or answered them by asking back the same thing " are you gay?" The weird thing is that it kinda worked and they just shut up after that. (Well maybe asking that had sorta confirmed their suspicion)
So the final year in high school, I did not have any fake crush on any girls, and my friendship with Z slowly faded away, especially when he went for an exchange program in another country for a year.
Anyway, by that time, I had "learned" to talk about girls with my guy friends, but never interested in it. All as the cover for me trying to be straight.
It's quite easy to be honest, just say wow her leg is just so yummy, or her boobs are just busty and things like that, whatever.
And all of this was just high school. Like 4 years ago. And the lie wasnt finished yet, instead it just kept on building like a snowball rolling down the hill. And with the lie building fast, so was my self hatred.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
I Just Wanna Know
Will I find the guy, the one?
I have missed so many things in my life that I do not want to miss any of it anymore.
And I just wanna do everything with the person starting from the moment I found him.
But all I wanna know, is that IF I WILL find him, not when, just IF.
I believe in fate, and if fate wants me to wait, I will be patient.
But I just dont want to be waiting for nobody at all.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Iphone O I FON
Well, I have been pretty into iPhone lately, especially after they introduce the Facetime and the front and back camera, they just confirmed to me that iPhone is worth buying.
That's what I thought.
I went in to the store, the salesman told us that I need to change my number if I want to get the iPhone immediately, or else I would have to wait for another 2 -3 weeks if I am to keep the number.
So I just agreed to changing my number, cause I am not waiting any longer. I also got the protective case and the antiglare screen cover thingy, which I need to pay extra for that. The salesman just installed them onto the phone for me immediately.
Well, everything turned out to be fine when I got home, I was so excited I was cam-whoring with my niece on the way home with the camera, except that there is no sound coming out from the speaker when I went to youtube to watch Glee.
My sister tried it and tried the ringtone, and nothing is coming out.
That means I need to drive back to the store and change it.
And so I did.
When I got there and told them about the problem, they said they would "re-install" it, whatever that meant.
So I waited. for 30 minutes.
only to be told that they are going to replace it with a new phone.
Oh, but not now, as they need to submit a report to the manufacturer and I would need to wait for 1-2 weeks to get the new replacement phone.
I asked them " Why couldnt you just give me the new phone that you have inside your store?
"It's not like that, we cant just replace your phone simply with another phone. We'll let you know as soon as your phone is here, meanwhile you can just keep using this phone (without the speaker)." "Dont worry, it can still vibrate so you can still know who's calling."
"So you're saying that I paid for the faulty iPhone and now I need to wait for it for another 2 weeks, while the next customer after me gets the nice one?"
"Yea," trying to sound as innocent as possible.
Part of me wanted to just throw the PVC brochure holders at them, part of me was saying to myself it's not their fault, they are just doing their work. So I just said alright, I will wait.
And when I was gonna step away from the counter, I remembered about the accessories and I asked him that are they gonna change it.
The guy told me that "oh the protective case, you can still use it, but I am afraid that the screen covering thingy has got to be replaced with a new one."
"So it's free then?"
He smiled at me and said "No, you will have to pay for a new one."
=.=
So I just said, "No, I am not going to pay for a new one, I got this iPhone expecting that this is in perfect condition. And now I have to wait for another 2 weeks and you are saying I need to pay for it?!"
"Erm, we can sell you at a lower price."
"(HELL) NO!!! I know it's not your fault or intention to give me a faulty iPhone, but I certainly am not going to pay and I certainly do not NEED to pay for it or anything because of the faulty iPhone at all."
Then he caved, and said OKOK.
"Free then?"
"Yea."
And I walked away.
Hell of a transaction.
On the bright side, I can still use the camera =p
That's what I thought.
I went in to the store, the salesman told us that I need to change my number if I want to get the iPhone immediately, or else I would have to wait for another 2 -3 weeks if I am to keep the number.
So I just agreed to changing my number, cause I am not waiting any longer. I also got the protective case and the antiglare screen cover thingy, which I need to pay extra for that. The salesman just installed them onto the phone for me immediately.
Well, everything turned out to be fine when I got home, I was so excited I was cam-whoring with my niece on the way home with the camera, except that there is no sound coming out from the speaker when I went to youtube to watch Glee.
My sister tried it and tried the ringtone, and nothing is coming out.
That means I need to drive back to the store and change it.
And so I did.
When I got there and told them about the problem, they said they would "re-install" it, whatever that meant.
So I waited. for 30 minutes.
only to be told that they are going to replace it with a new phone.
Oh, but not now, as they need to submit a report to the manufacturer and I would need to wait for 1-2 weeks to get the new replacement phone.
I asked them " Why couldnt you just give me the new phone that you have inside your store?
"It's not like that, we cant just replace your phone simply with another phone. We'll let you know as soon as your phone is here, meanwhile you can just keep using this phone (without the speaker)." "Dont worry, it can still vibrate so you can still know who's calling."
"So you're saying that I paid for the faulty iPhone and now I need to wait for it for another 2 weeks, while the next customer after me gets the nice one?"
"Yea," trying to sound as innocent as possible.
Part of me wanted to just throw the PVC brochure holders at them, part of me was saying to myself it's not their fault, they are just doing their work. So I just said alright, I will wait.
And when I was gonna step away from the counter, I remembered about the accessories and I asked him that are they gonna change it.
The guy told me that "oh the protective case, you can still use it, but I am afraid that the screen covering thingy has got to be replaced with a new one."
"So it's free then?"
He smiled at me and said "No, you will have to pay for a new one."
=.=
So I just said, "No, I am not going to pay for a new one, I got this iPhone expecting that this is in perfect condition. And now I have to wait for another 2 weeks and you are saying I need to pay for it?!"
"Erm, we can sell you at a lower price."
"(HELL) NO!!! I know it's not your fault or intention to give me a faulty iPhone, but I certainly am not going to pay and I certainly do not NEED to pay for it or anything because of the faulty iPhone at all."
Then he caved, and said OKOK.
"Free then?"
"Yea."
And I walked away.
Hell of a transaction.
On the bright side, I can still use the camera =p
Friday, February 11, 2011
Music or Dance or Arts or things like that
If I hadn't been a musician, I would have been a teacher. And I would've hoped to send this message to kids - that although there are very important things like math and science and learning, you know, kind of the things that get you through life, there's also you need to find joy. And whether that's through music or dance or things like that, you need to have outlets in your life.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
UUrrgh
These few days I havnt had enough good sleep, always wake up after 2-3 hours of sleeping and to go back to sleep for another couple of hours and wake up again and that's it for the sleep I am having all day.
Am I feeling anxious, nervous, or stressed out, I have no idea. But something is definitely wrong. Well I came out to one person, and one person only. I think that time when I was "coming out" to that person, I did not cry, just tearing up. Not until it dawned on me that I really did come out, I just let loose. Not a big cry though. Ironically, it was someone that I had never talked to before that.
The next person that I want to come out with are my two best friends, P and K, I was thinking of coming out to them through skype or facebook private message. But while I tried to talk to them, they are busy studying for exam. So after thinking it through, I have decided I would tell them when they are back home, and I will come out to them face to face. And one of them is in another state while another one is in overseas studying. I wont be seeing them that soon, so I guess the coming out thing to them will have to wait.
SO besides the two of them, I feel like I need to tell this to two of my "girlfriends" as well. Although we knew each other for less than a year, but they have been there for me whenever I need them. And they are just some crazy bitches that you always can count on to have fun with. But the thing is is that one of them let's just called her O, I can tell she has an intuition that I am gay. And sometimes just giving me hints. And we do talk about guys (like I would pretend to be the straight pseudo-gay friend of hers that enjoys doing that, when in fact on the inside I do enjoy doing that, Confused? me too) So I guess coming out to her, the chances of she accepting it will be higher than that of she rejecting it. Which is probably the inverse for the second and third friend, Y and C.
Well, both of them are sorta religious Christians. (not that I have anything against that) And on several occasions they have expressed some not-so-good opinions on gay or lesbians.
What worries me is that, this bunch of friends are the only people I have got in this school. And I will be seeing them (if I dont fail my exams) for the next 4 years. So if it's out, it's out and my schooldays would depend on them (more specifically their opening or closing of their big mouths).
Urgh, another dilemma huh. To say or not to say, and past experiences taught me not to do so.
Am I feeling anxious, nervous, or stressed out, I have no idea. But something is definitely wrong. Well I came out to one person, and one person only. I think that time when I was "coming out" to that person, I did not cry, just tearing up. Not until it dawned on me that I really did come out, I just let loose. Not a big cry though. Ironically, it was someone that I had never talked to before that.
The next person that I want to come out with are my two best friends, P and K, I was thinking of coming out to them through skype or facebook private message. But while I tried to talk to them, they are busy studying for exam. So after thinking it through, I have decided I would tell them when they are back home, and I will come out to them face to face. And one of them is in another state while another one is in overseas studying. I wont be seeing them that soon, so I guess the coming out thing to them will have to wait.
SO besides the two of them, I feel like I need to tell this to two of my "girlfriends" as well. Although we knew each other for less than a year, but they have been there for me whenever I need them. And they are just some crazy bitches that you always can count on to have fun with. But the thing is is that one of them let's just called her O, I can tell she has an intuition that I am gay. And sometimes just giving me hints. And we do talk about guys (like I would pretend to be the straight pseudo-gay friend of hers that enjoys doing that, when in fact on the inside I do enjoy doing that, Confused? me too) So I guess coming out to her, the chances of she accepting it will be higher than that of she rejecting it. Which is probably the inverse for the second and third friend, Y and C.
Well, both of them are sorta religious Christians. (not that I have anything against that) And on several occasions they have expressed some not-so-good opinions on gay or lesbians.
What worries me is that, this bunch of friends are the only people I have got in this school. And I will be seeing them (if I dont fail my exams) for the next 4 years. So if it's out, it's out and my schooldays would depend on them (more specifically their opening or closing of their big mouths).
Urgh, another dilemma huh. To say or not to say, and past experiences taught me not to do so.
Surprisesurprise
Dad came back drunk and now in the fight with my mum over stupidly trivial stuff again after me having a short yelling match with him.
Funny quote of the day "You guys never told me anything huh, think that I am dead or what?"
Funny quote of the day "You guys never told me anything huh, think that I am dead or what?"
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Drunk?
To all the readers, if there is any, lol,
when you drink and get drunk, do you think that you might have spilled some secrets, like you being gay?
when you drink and get drunk, do you think that you might have spilled some secrets, like you being gay?
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
4th
well, family problems, every family has it, I guess some have it better some have it worse.
I can say that my family problem ranges between average-below average. I have 3 elder sisters, I am the youngest son, you can say that I am the spoiled one.
Almost everything that I want in financial terms, my parents would let me have it, but of course my mum would let me go through the guilt process first.
Starting from when I started to see cracks, I started having this love-hate relationship with my family i guess. But time only makes the scale tip to the hate part more and more.
They are conservative, not entirely educated, the ladies in the family just love talking about anything, they love to gossip, yea it's fun to gossip but sometimes it just gets too much that you just wanna ask them to shut the fuck up, and there are really no role models in my family.
My dad a fucking drunk. For years now, he never quitted his drinking. And it just strained the whole family relationship with him. and the funny thing is that he loves to get him drunk before any festivals, and showed up with his big bad temper and his fucked up face. waiting to scold anyone that makes the tiniest trivial mistake.
Never apologized. Made promise that never been kept. Thinks he's the fucking boss. Way over protective. Whose dad in the world doesnt allow his son to play sports. because "you will get hurt" WAT THE FUCK. believe in male dominance. that just by using his temper he can own the world. big show off. oh yea, he drinks but he doesnt let me drink. model dad, eh?
I was a good student. I did quite good for almost every subjects except arts, yes I was a nerd. And I thought that was my job, my duty as a son to make my family proud, was my priority, as a contribution to this family.
But turns out others are not doing their jobs as well as I had hoped.
I am actually struggling here writing this post. it seems like there are no good points about my family huh. None that I can think of right now. Dont get me wrong they do love me, but do I truly love my family? I dont know I honestly dont know. I dont my family, I dont know each and everyone of them. that's probably the reason. If you ask me to tell you their good personalities, I cant really do it. I would say that they are helpful, but they can suddenly turn around to be a bitch. And my mother, still a loving and caring mother. But she's insecure, she doesnt know what is best for anyone, one thing i can say about my mother is that she's confused. e.g. she can make a decision and change it to the opposite one, and change it back again. and I got screwed up because of that. Major. and until now I still cannot forgive her entirely for that matter.
My dad, hmm, let's just say he said some very hurtful shit to me. and from that moment on, I dont talk to him about anything anymore.
Another problem I think is that we dont share what we feel or anything. Or at least I dont. Nobody has ever asked me to, and I did try to talk to my mom about what i am feeling, and she actually makes me feel worse. Since we were small, we were trained to not cry. When we got the cane over some mischiefs or anything, and we cry, we would get caned more because of that. So the stories that we usually talk about are about what have we done that day, literally what have they done. So yea, growing up and going through puberty while trying to hide my sexual preference, I dont talk to my family about anything, let alone my sexual preference.
I have thought about why I dont talk to my family members. I guess I have just given up. Living with 3 sisters was painful when you try to talk, cause I always got interrupted when I was saying something. Being the youngest, probably means that people dont really care what you think. that every decision that you make is a mistake. a lot of things I have tried to do, they never gave me any support. My singing. I loved singing. but only my mum was the one who actually cared. But to be honest, I get the feeling she cared because she likes singing herself (but she cant sing well) and she was living her dreams through mine. My dad, lol, never attended any of my singing competitions. He thinks that it's gay or sissy to be singing. And I learnt piano. My parents did not bother to buy me a new piano, instead I was forced to use a hand-me-down piano from my sister. I wouldnt mind using the piano if it wasnt out of tune. WHen i was practising, my dad would say that it's damn noisy and screamed at me. So much for the motivation eh. I wanted to go travelling backpacking to the countries that I wanna visit in the gap year of 2009. All they could say was " what if someone robbed you or kidnapped you?"
Thank you if you are still with me. I cant find the exact adjectives for them, so I used examples instead.
Yes there are instances that show they love me. Sponsoring my education, giving me things that I want. ( oh yea the things that they give are quite limited to the things that they approve of they are mostly food, or books) ( if i want more things, things that I TRULY TRULY want like travelling, a dog, a ps3, sports, wutever, they would find a fucking excuse or try to make me feel guilty to even want it).
It's just that there are a lof of stuff that they have done to me, that just goes on and on, that normally you would forgive someone for doing it, but if they keep doing it would you forgive him/her?
You might think that I am an ungrateful S.O.B. or playing victim here or whatever, but I just cant really find it in myself to love them truly. Sometimes I dont know how to react to them, so i just keep quiet, lock myself in the room, go on computer. What is wrong with me?
After reading this post, I guess you would think that what they have done are just trivial matters. There are more personal and more serious stuff that went on that I dont even wanna go into it. Like I said, writing this post, is actually suffocating. To be honest, sometimes I'd like to blame me being gay on them, like that there was no real father there to guide me, like I dont have any brothers or anything, like my parents give birth to me being gay and it's their fault. So much easier isnt it. But the good or the bad thing is is that I know better why I am gay. that it has always been there i guess, way back to when I was 5 or 6 years old.
You know why I like sleeping late. it's actually 3 am now. And I will go to bed in another 3 or 4 hours.
because I like the quiet. the silence.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LraOiHUltak
I can say that my family problem ranges between average-below average. I have 3 elder sisters, I am the youngest son, you can say that I am the spoiled one.
Almost everything that I want in financial terms, my parents would let me have it, but of course my mum would let me go through the guilt process first.
Starting from when I started to see cracks, I started having this love-hate relationship with my family i guess. But time only makes the scale tip to the hate part more and more.
They are conservative, not entirely educated, the ladies in the family just love talking about anything, they love to gossip, yea it's fun to gossip but sometimes it just gets too much that you just wanna ask them to shut the fuck up, and there are really no role models in my family.
My dad a fucking drunk. For years now, he never quitted his drinking. And it just strained the whole family relationship with him. and the funny thing is that he loves to get him drunk before any festivals, and showed up with his big bad temper and his fucked up face. waiting to scold anyone that makes the tiniest trivial mistake.
Never apologized. Made promise that never been kept. Thinks he's the fucking boss. Way over protective. Whose dad in the world doesnt allow his son to play sports. because "you will get hurt" WAT THE FUCK. believe in male dominance. that just by using his temper he can own the world. big show off. oh yea, he drinks but he doesnt let me drink. model dad, eh?
I was a good student. I did quite good for almost every subjects except arts, yes I was a nerd. And I thought that was my job, my duty as a son to make my family proud, was my priority, as a contribution to this family.
But turns out others are not doing their jobs as well as I had hoped.
I am actually struggling here writing this post. it seems like there are no good points about my family huh. None that I can think of right now. Dont get me wrong they do love me, but do I truly love my family? I dont know I honestly dont know. I dont my family, I dont know each and everyone of them. that's probably the reason. If you ask me to tell you their good personalities, I cant really do it. I would say that they are helpful, but they can suddenly turn around to be a bitch. And my mother, still a loving and caring mother. But she's insecure, she doesnt know what is best for anyone, one thing i can say about my mother is that she's confused. e.g. she can make a decision and change it to the opposite one, and change it back again. and I got screwed up because of that. Major. and until now I still cannot forgive her entirely for that matter.
My dad, hmm, let's just say he said some very hurtful shit to me. and from that moment on, I dont talk to him about anything anymore.
Another problem I think is that we dont share what we feel or anything. Or at least I dont. Nobody has ever asked me to, and I did try to talk to my mom about what i am feeling, and she actually makes me feel worse. Since we were small, we were trained to not cry. When we got the cane over some mischiefs or anything, and we cry, we would get caned more because of that. So the stories that we usually talk about are about what have we done that day, literally what have they done. So yea, growing up and going through puberty while trying to hide my sexual preference, I dont talk to my family about anything, let alone my sexual preference.
I have thought about why I dont talk to my family members. I guess I have just given up. Living with 3 sisters was painful when you try to talk, cause I always got interrupted when I was saying something. Being the youngest, probably means that people dont really care what you think. that every decision that you make is a mistake. a lot of things I have tried to do, they never gave me any support. My singing. I loved singing. but only my mum was the one who actually cared. But to be honest, I get the feeling she cared because she likes singing herself (but she cant sing well) and she was living her dreams through mine. My dad, lol, never attended any of my singing competitions. He thinks that it's gay or sissy to be singing. And I learnt piano. My parents did not bother to buy me a new piano, instead I was forced to use a hand-me-down piano from my sister. I wouldnt mind using the piano if it wasnt out of tune. WHen i was practising, my dad would say that it's damn noisy and screamed at me. So much for the motivation eh. I wanted to go travelling backpacking to the countries that I wanna visit in the gap year of 2009. All they could say was " what if someone robbed you or kidnapped you?"
Thank you if you are still with me. I cant find the exact adjectives for them, so I used examples instead.
Yes there are instances that show they love me. Sponsoring my education, giving me things that I want. ( oh yea the things that they give are quite limited to the things that they approve of they are mostly food, or books) ( if i want more things, things that I TRULY TRULY want like travelling, a dog, a ps3, sports, wutever, they would find a fucking excuse or try to make me feel guilty to even want it).
It's just that there are a lof of stuff that they have done to me, that just goes on and on, that normally you would forgive someone for doing it, but if they keep doing it would you forgive him/her?
You might think that I am an ungrateful S.O.B. or playing victim here or whatever, but I just cant really find it in myself to love them truly. Sometimes I dont know how to react to them, so i just keep quiet, lock myself in the room, go on computer. What is wrong with me?
After reading this post, I guess you would think that what they have done are just trivial matters. There are more personal and more serious stuff that went on that I dont even wanna go into it. Like I said, writing this post, is actually suffocating. To be honest, sometimes I'd like to blame me being gay on them, like that there was no real father there to guide me, like I dont have any brothers or anything, like my parents give birth to me being gay and it's their fault. So much easier isnt it. But the good or the bad thing is is that I know better why I am gay. that it has always been there i guess, way back to when I was 5 or 6 years old.
You know why I like sleeping late. it's actually 3 am now. And I will go to bed in another 3 or 4 hours.
because I like the quiet. the silence.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LraOiHUltak
3rd
Let's jump back to the year after the incident, when I was 14.
Our classmates are completely shuffled so the people that we met are different each year, for us to know more frineds? I dont know, but I did make a lot of friends that way, not deep friendships, but just acquaintances.
I met 7 other people. who i was really close with, for that time only. because very quickly, the "8 bros" were stabbing at each other's back, and talking shit and rumours about each other, and hating on each other.
And I guess the worst thing is that I was thinking to myself, I could never get me a decent friend huh.
Meanwhile, Oh forgot to mention, about the year before in the same class with Z, I made friends with P and K. Who have remained my best buds over the years. thinking back, it has been 6 years i knew them. They have been there all my life, but they can be quite conservative as well. That's y i dont tell them, even though they are my best friends. Note: P and K are the only ones who have never teased me or anything and have always been there for me.
Meanwhile, Z was in the class next door. A lot of times, I tried to approach him to talk to him, thinking back, I duno what could be said to him. But he had always found excuses to avoid me and stuff. Yea, I was a pathetic loser back then, not sure about now.
Anyway, around that time, the rumours are still going on, when people see me and Z talking, they would mock and tease us and stuff. I just felt damn confused that time. Din know should I keep talking to him, or should I just give it up. It hurt me a lot, especially when the close friends that I knew were teasing about me as well. I just laughed it off or just ignored them, or just tried to change subjects when they did that. But the pain still remained, like thorn i guess, and it just made each conversation with Z more awkward and more painful.
Until now I still duno did Z feel anything for me, he's most probably straight, and he's kind of a pimp. or man whore.
So I lied again that time. saying that I liked a girl from another school. Some of my friends were happy for me, and even Z started talking to me. not all friends of course. But Z finally started talking to me about the girl, trying to help me and giving me tips to get the girl. I guessed it's because he thought that I had turned straight. that I am a successful example of ex-gay.
and that time, I thought I had finally turned straight too, but deep down something is always bothering me when I told anyone about me liking a girl.
Well, I didnt get the girl, I just texted her like a couple of messages and she didint seem interested so i just left it at that. But I was happy, because fewer people had bothered me with their comments.
And around that time, was the time when I started to see cracks in my family who I had always thought was perfect.
Our classmates are completely shuffled so the people that we met are different each year, for us to know more frineds? I dont know, but I did make a lot of friends that way, not deep friendships, but just acquaintances.
I met 7 other people. who i was really close with, for that time only. because very quickly, the "8 bros" were stabbing at each other's back, and talking shit and rumours about each other, and hating on each other.
And I guess the worst thing is that I was thinking to myself, I could never get me a decent friend huh.
Meanwhile, Oh forgot to mention, about the year before in the same class with Z, I made friends with P and K. Who have remained my best buds over the years. thinking back, it has been 6 years i knew them. They have been there all my life, but they can be quite conservative as well. That's y i dont tell them, even though they are my best friends. Note: P and K are the only ones who have never teased me or anything and have always been there for me.
Meanwhile, Z was in the class next door. A lot of times, I tried to approach him to talk to him, thinking back, I duno what could be said to him. But he had always found excuses to avoid me and stuff. Yea, I was a pathetic loser back then, not sure about now.
Anyway, around that time, the rumours are still going on, when people see me and Z talking, they would mock and tease us and stuff. I just felt damn confused that time. Din know should I keep talking to him, or should I just give it up. It hurt me a lot, especially when the close friends that I knew were teasing about me as well. I just laughed it off or just ignored them, or just tried to change subjects when they did that. But the pain still remained, like thorn i guess, and it just made each conversation with Z more awkward and more painful.
Until now I still duno did Z feel anything for me, he's most probably straight, and he's kind of a pimp. or man whore.
So I lied again that time. saying that I liked a girl from another school. Some of my friends were happy for me, and even Z started talking to me. not all friends of course. But Z finally started talking to me about the girl, trying to help me and giving me tips to get the girl. I guessed it's because he thought that I had turned straight. that I am a successful example of ex-gay.
and that time, I thought I had finally turned straight too, but deep down something is always bothering me when I told anyone about me liking a girl.
Well, I didnt get the girl, I just texted her like a couple of messages and she didint seem interested so i just left it at that. But I was happy, because fewer people had bothered me with their comments.
And around that time, was the time when I started to see cracks in my family who I had always thought was perfect.
Monday, February 7, 2011
2nd post
I guess I will start by saying what I am right now.
I am now in my room, who I have been living in for the past 3 months for the summer break. Doing great actually, if you consider rotting and having really messed up biological clock sleeping "upside down" is great and watching movies and tv all day without doing any real contribution to your future and the society. yea. oh yea add constant masturbation into it as well.
I thought I was into girls, I seriously thought so, but at the back of my mind always has this thing for guys, physical and emotional attraction towards guys. well, that means im not straight then. when did this gay thing start.
let's go back to when I was 13 years old, i had this crush , major crush on the guy sitting in front of me, he was cool, sporty, and extremely friendly and helpful. oh yea on the side note i dont have any brothers, and i dont consider useless brothers in law brothers. anyway, this guy let's just call him Z. I guessed i just felt really comfortable around him, doing his homework and all, talking to him about completely random stuff. That time, i was just thinking that hey, it's no big deal, he's just a friend, a very good friend. and that point in life, i guessed a best friend is what i needed. (oh yea, i never had like a best buddy or anything before that time, in the school that i attended, i was eeerrr, a nerd, i studied hard like hell, and so my "friends" were competitors to get the 100% mark on each exam paper.yes before 13 years old. that competitive edge is still with me. =p
anyway, this guy Z, I guessed I just got really comfortable around him, and so i was always helping him with anything telling him everything, making fun of each other, and he was funny as hell, and this feeling inside me that was boiling, brewing wutever you call it was the first time ever I felt like that. we would study together, i would watch him play soccer on the field, i could not play, i was not allowed to due to my dad banning me from doing that, another story later. whenever i got sad or anything he would just try to comfort me or anything.
well, what im trying to say is that I started to like him. like a lot. And I thought that this friendship could only get better, but u guessed it right, it turned for the worse, way fucking worse.
A bitch, seriously a bitch, a fairy (sorry if i offended anyone, but you get what i mean the feminine type of bitch) started to start these rumours, oh yea I was in all boys school. so i guess with no hookups and sex stories to trade between guys about who's fucking which girl, the juiciest gossip would be about which guy is gay and crushing on which guy. So these rumours saying that I am gay and that I like this guy Z, started spreading like mad. ppl started looking at me differently. treated me differently. oh yea by that time, i have been shifted to sit with Z. they would always mock me about Z saying like " oh how's your husband and stuff" So I was pretty fucked up that time. Didnt know what I should say or act. I just got pissed off very easily that time, whenever they say something or even just hinting. even the teacher was mocking me about me being gay with him. and yea that time i was hitting puberty and all. so thanks to all the hormonal rage and stuff. i just got more pissed off.
the worst thing is that Z believed all of it. He started avoiding me, din talk to me, stopped all the studying together stuff. And all I was trying to do was to try to talk to him again, to confront him and tell him that im not gay, that the rumour is not true. (which is true) I guess I was denying it because I just couldnt face myself being gay. I just couldnt imagine living the life of being gay. I had never seen an out of closet gay man before. And all you could hear from the talks from friends, family, about one being sissy, about one being gay is just plain wrong and just disgusting.
So i made up a lie, a very pathetic one, desperate one, saying that Z looked like my cousin and that my cousin died in a car crash and we were very close and shit, so that others would just leave it at that.
Looking back, I should never have said that, this drama pathetic shit. And this is the first time IM revealing the truth to people, well i guess whoever is reading this must be thinking how cheap can this guy be huh. If I were you, I would be digusted to be honest. and I am.
anyway, that year was pretty rough for me. almost every night I would cry myself to sleep. The betrayal I felt and the anger at myself for being gay, were like being in hell. (not that I have been there, figuratively speaking).
I tried to talk to my sister about the part where they are calling me gay, (I never told her I am gay) and she just said just ignore them. there were the people that i see, that i have deal with everyday, how could i just ignore them.
I hated myself. I was fat as well. so yea. that did not help with the self esteem either.
So I guess that's the point where I was just starting going downhill. Mild depression, more friends' betrayal, more anger, problem with my dad, trying to get girls as a cover up, problem with my mum, uni applications and shit, dreams and shit.
COMING UP NEXT!!!!
this is like a fucking general hospital or drama tv huh, only i wish I am not in it.
I am now in my room, who I have been living in for the past 3 months for the summer break. Doing great actually, if you consider rotting and having really messed up biological clock sleeping "upside down" is great and watching movies and tv all day without doing any real contribution to your future and the society. yea. oh yea add constant masturbation into it as well.
I thought I was into girls, I seriously thought so, but at the back of my mind always has this thing for guys, physical and emotional attraction towards guys. well, that means im not straight then. when did this gay thing start.
let's go back to when I was 13 years old, i had this crush , major crush on the guy sitting in front of me, he was cool, sporty, and extremely friendly and helpful. oh yea on the side note i dont have any brothers, and i dont consider useless brothers in law brothers. anyway, this guy let's just call him Z. I guessed i just felt really comfortable around him, doing his homework and all, talking to him about completely random stuff. That time, i was just thinking that hey, it's no big deal, he's just a friend, a very good friend. and that point in life, i guessed a best friend is what i needed. (oh yea, i never had like a best buddy or anything before that time, in the school that i attended, i was eeerrr, a nerd, i studied hard like hell, and so my "friends" were competitors to get the 100% mark on each exam paper.yes before 13 years old. that competitive edge is still with me. =p
anyway, this guy Z, I guessed I just got really comfortable around him, and so i was always helping him with anything telling him everything, making fun of each other, and he was funny as hell, and this feeling inside me that was boiling, brewing wutever you call it was the first time ever I felt like that. we would study together, i would watch him play soccer on the field, i could not play, i was not allowed to due to my dad banning me from doing that, another story later. whenever i got sad or anything he would just try to comfort me or anything.
well, what im trying to say is that I started to like him. like a lot. And I thought that this friendship could only get better, but u guessed it right, it turned for the worse, way fucking worse.
A bitch, seriously a bitch, a fairy (sorry if i offended anyone, but you get what i mean the feminine type of bitch) started to start these rumours, oh yea I was in all boys school. so i guess with no hookups and sex stories to trade between guys about who's fucking which girl, the juiciest gossip would be about which guy is gay and crushing on which guy. So these rumours saying that I am gay and that I like this guy Z, started spreading like mad. ppl started looking at me differently. treated me differently. oh yea by that time, i have been shifted to sit with Z. they would always mock me about Z saying like " oh how's your husband and stuff" So I was pretty fucked up that time. Didnt know what I should say or act. I just got pissed off very easily that time, whenever they say something or even just hinting. even the teacher was mocking me about me being gay with him. and yea that time i was hitting puberty and all. so thanks to all the hormonal rage and stuff. i just got more pissed off.
the worst thing is that Z believed all of it. He started avoiding me, din talk to me, stopped all the studying together stuff. And all I was trying to do was to try to talk to him again, to confront him and tell him that im not gay, that the rumour is not true. (which is true) I guess I was denying it because I just couldnt face myself being gay. I just couldnt imagine living the life of being gay. I had never seen an out of closet gay man before. And all you could hear from the talks from friends, family, about one being sissy, about one being gay is just plain wrong and just disgusting.
So i made up a lie, a very pathetic one, desperate one, saying that Z looked like my cousin and that my cousin died in a car crash and we were very close and shit, so that others would just leave it at that.
Looking back, I should never have said that, this drama pathetic shit. And this is the first time IM revealing the truth to people, well i guess whoever is reading this must be thinking how cheap can this guy be huh. If I were you, I would be digusted to be honest. and I am.
anyway, that year was pretty rough for me. almost every night I would cry myself to sleep. The betrayal I felt and the anger at myself for being gay, were like being in hell. (not that I have been there, figuratively speaking).
I tried to talk to my sister about the part where they are calling me gay, (I never told her I am gay) and she just said just ignore them. there were the people that i see, that i have deal with everyday, how could i just ignore them.
I hated myself. I was fat as well. so yea. that did not help with the self esteem either.
So I guess that's the point where I was just starting going downhill. Mild depression, more friends' betrayal, more anger, problem with my dad, trying to get girls as a cover up, problem with my mum, uni applications and shit, dreams and shit.
COMING UP NEXT!!!!
this is like a fucking general hospital or drama tv huh, only i wish I am not in it.
First Post
So this is where I start, the road to be honest, from now on I tell myself to just write everything that comes to mind, fuck spell check no grammatical check, just write everything down. screw backspace as well.
I guess I need to start with my life first. but I duno where to start from, which point of life, that really brings me to this point. do you often wonder to yourself, "what happened, what happened to the past me and how did i get here, what had happened in one point in life that had directed me to walk along this path that im on now,
But I guess the misery is primarily caused by the lie, the lie to try to fit in, the lie to get myself out of mockery, the lie to have a friend, the lie to be happy. well you guess right, did not work at all.
but the lies just pile up, stockpiling like shit hell, and i am now here i guess. to do something about it. not even sure what i am feeling right now is true or false.
so i am starting this blog, to say everything that I truly feel, what I truly think, and what I truly want in my life, yes there are still lies that I nid to continue on doing on the outside world, but not on the inside anymore, I dont think I myself can take the lies anymore. So I am starting this blog, to be honest.
I guess I need to start with my life first. but I duno where to start from, which point of life, that really brings me to this point. do you often wonder to yourself, "what happened, what happened to the past me and how did i get here, what had happened in one point in life that had directed me to walk along this path that im on now,
But I guess the misery is primarily caused by the lie, the lie to try to fit in, the lie to get myself out of mockery, the lie to have a friend, the lie to be happy. well you guess right, did not work at all.
but the lies just pile up, stockpiling like shit hell, and i am now here i guess. to do something about it. not even sure what i am feeling right now is true or false.
so i am starting this blog, to say everything that I truly feel, what I truly think, and what I truly want in my life, yes there are still lies that I nid to continue on doing on the outside world, but not on the inside anymore, I dont think I myself can take the lies anymore. So I am starting this blog, to be honest.
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