2nd post

I guess I will start by saying what I am right now.

I am now in my room, who I have been living in for the past 3 months for the summer break. Doing great actually, if you consider rotting and having really messed up biological clock sleeping "upside down" is great and watching movies and tv all day without doing any real contribution to your future and the society. yea. oh yea add constant masturbation into it as well.

I thought I was into girls, I seriously thought so, but at the back of my mind always has this thing for guys, physical and emotional attraction towards guys. well, that means im not straight then. when did this gay thing start.

let's go back to when I was 13 years old, i had this crush , major crush on the guy sitting in front of me, he was cool, sporty, and extremely friendly and helpful. oh yea on the side note i dont have any brothers, and i dont consider useless brothers in law brothers. anyway, this guy let's just call him Z. I guessed i just felt really comfortable around him, doing his homework and all, talking to him about completely random stuff. That time, i was just thinking that hey, it's no big deal, he's just a friend, a very good friend. and that point in life, i guessed a best friend is what i needed. (oh yea, i never had like a best buddy or anything before that time, in the school that i attended, i was eeerrr, a nerd, i studied hard like hell, and so my "friends" were competitors to get the 100% mark on each exam paper.yes before 13 years old. that competitive edge is still with me. =p

anyway, this guy Z, I guessed I just got really comfortable around him, and so i was always helping him with anything telling him everything, making fun of each other, and he was funny as hell, and this feeling inside me that was boiling, brewing wutever you call it was the first time ever I felt like that. we would study together, i would watch him play soccer on the field, i could not play, i was not allowed to due to my dad banning me from doing that, another story later. whenever i got sad or anything he would just try to comfort me or anything.

well, what im trying to say is that I started to like him. like a lot. And I thought that this friendship could only get better, but u guessed it right, it turned for the worse, way fucking worse.

A bitch, seriously a bitch, a fairy (sorry if i offended anyone, but you get what i mean the feminine type of bitch) started to start these rumours, oh yea I was in all boys school. so i guess with no hookups and sex stories to trade between guys about who's fucking which girl, the juiciest gossip would be about which guy is gay and crushing on which guy. So these rumours saying that I am gay and that I like this guy Z, started spreading like mad. ppl started looking at me differently. treated me differently. oh yea by that time, i have been shifted to sit with Z. they would always mock me about Z saying like " oh how's your husband and stuff" So I was pretty fucked up that time. Didnt know what I should say or act. I just got pissed off very easily that time, whenever they say something or even just hinting. even the teacher was mocking me about me being gay with him. and yea that time i was hitting puberty and all. so thanks to all the hormonal rage and stuff. i just got more pissed off.

the worst thing is that Z believed all of it. He started avoiding me, din talk to me, stopped all the studying together stuff. And all I was trying to do was to try to talk to him again, to confront him and tell him that im not gay, that the rumour is not true. (which is true) I guess I was denying it because I just couldnt face myself being gay. I just couldnt imagine living the life of being gay. I had never seen an out of closet gay man before. And all you could hear from the talks from friends, family, about one being sissy, about one being gay is just plain wrong and just disgusting.
So i made up a lie, a very pathetic one, desperate one, saying that Z looked like my cousin and that my cousin died in a car crash and we were very close and shit, so that others would just leave it at that.

Looking back, I should never have said that, this drama pathetic shit. And this is the first time IM revealing the truth to people, well i guess whoever is reading this must be thinking how cheap can this guy be huh. If I were you, I would be digusted to be honest. and I am.

anyway, that year was pretty rough for me. almost every night I would cry myself to sleep. The betrayal I felt and the anger at myself for being gay, were like being in hell. (not that I have been there, figuratively speaking).

I tried to talk to my sister about the part where they are calling me gay, (I never told her I am gay) and she just said just ignore them. there were the people that i see, that i have deal with everyday, how could i just ignore them.

I hated myself. I was fat as well. so yea. that did not help with the self esteem either.

So I guess that's the point where I was just starting going downhill. Mild depression, more friends' betrayal, more anger, problem with my dad, trying to get girls as a cover up, problem with my mum, uni applications and shit, dreams and shit.

COMING UP NEXT!!!!

this is like a fucking general hospital or drama tv huh, only i wish I am not in it.