Exam is near, so near next Monday.
And I had always been a nerd. I study and I study hard and I make sure I know everything.
But not for this semester. I went out at late night, I went clubbing for the first time, I went to smoke shisha/hooka, things that would make my dad kill me.
I developed my first ever offical crush on this exchange student who is just plain hot. The kind of crush where you felt hopeful at first because of the initial doubt whether is he gay, and to finally find out that he really is gay. The kind of crush where your heart just beat 10 times more when he's near. The kind of crush where you just froze when your friend introduced him to you. And the kind of crush that you absolutely need to get over with because he already has boyfriend.
Another problem, I had a fight with one of my good friends on 2nd week, and he knows that I am gay, but the fight wasnt about that, but about something petty. It got me all miserable and all, and I absolutely fucking hate it. Because I hate the fact of letting people into my life and to let him/her screw me up like that whenever there's a fight or imperfection. And the weird thing is that I had been in this situation before, where I had fights with friends that I thought was my good friend, and coincidentally all these "friends" are the sissy kind, the kind of people that annoys me.
And although me and this friend made up after the fight, suddenly just this week he suddenly decided to not talk to me because he is bored and he wants to see the reaction. What kind of friend does that? "Oh hey I am bored, let's create drama, let's screw with one of our friend's emotions to see how he reacts." And for that, I dont think our friendship could be the same as before anymore.
But one best thing from this coming out experience is that I found 2 awesome friends, girl friends especially one of them that I could just hang out and talk about hot guys all the time. It's like all my suppressed teenage lust for guys just came pouring out. Which probably explained how ridiculously wonderful my first crush sounds like. But he is hot that's the fact and it's verified.
And it does feel good to pour out your darkest secrets (not just hot guys) to a friend who has the same mindset as you. Too bad she's a girl. I think she would be my straight version of soul mate. hahaha.
But this coming out is not working out well for me completely either. I start to know that I can check out guys and think about them and that distracts me from my work and study. My progress in my study has been quite slow and it would destroy me if I get an unsatisfactory results for my upcoming exam.
Besides, there were instances where I almost spilled to others about me being gay. Blame the shisha, which gave me the high.
Anyway, one thing that bothers me the most is that coming out, at first it felt great, but it doesnt make me a better person or anything. And to be honest, I am still pretty clueless of who I am.
I am still miserable, probably caused by the fact that I am still single. and there is no one out there.
I am trying to drill into my head that you cant find love. It will come to you eventually. But is true? that it will come eventually? I am turning twenty this year, and I have not even had a real kiss. What kind of life is this?
I want to be awesome in what I do, but how? I want to work on my self confidence, but how? I want to be more independent, but how? I want to be able to look into people's eyes and tell them straight what I want and stand my ground, but how? I want to work being more well rounded, the kind of person that balances his life between hardcore work and hardcore fun, but how? I want to work on my social skills and people to respect me as a trustworthy person, but how? I want to love myself, but how?
Quote from one of the bloggers,
"Don't find love, let love find you. That's why it's called falling in love, because you don't force yourself to fall, you just fall."
